To Forgive or Not to Forgive
“For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. Matthew 6:14-15
I had a sad conversation with a friend who is living with the pain of unforgiveness, not her own but that another woman would not forgive her for what was a relatively minor offense (at least in her and my opinions).
The Lord has a lot to say about unforgiveness. He has taught us to pray that He would forgive us as we forgive others (Matthew 6:12). That’s a scary prayer if you are a person who holds grudges.
I tried to put myself in the place of the unforgiving one and realized that it requires humility to be forgiving. In the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant (Matthew 18:21-35) the Lord makes it very clear that as He has forgiven us, He expects us to show that same forgiveness to others.
One truth in this parable is that God has forgiven the Christian for far greater sin than most of us will ever experience from someone else. It is a prideful thing to think that we are worthy of God’s forgiveness but others are not worthy of ours. It is difficult to hear but true that we are sinning when we fail to forgive a repentant person.
As the one “unforgiven” by a friend or family member, we must examine ourselves and ask if we have asked their forgiveness, made restitution if necessary, and sought the forgiveness of God if there was sin. Once we have done that, we have to move forward with a clean conscience. 1 John 1:9 assures us, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
Of course, this does not guarantee that the one who fails to forgive will change her/his mind. Biblically, it seems that one reason for unforgiveness is a “root of bitterness.” Acts 8:23 says that bitterness can act as a poison and Hebrews 12:15 says it causes trouble. Ephesians 4 says we are to put it away.
In my friend’s case, as is often true, I only heard one side of the story but she has always been a trustworthy person so I believe her. What I saw that got my attention is the pain that is being experienced because of unforgiveness. It is not just one person suffering, several are reaping the fallout.
How about us? Is there some unforgiveness, some bitterness about a person or situation that we should forgive and reconcile our differences (even if we still need to keep our distance)? It is a sobering thought to think of how many times we have prayed the Lord’s Prayer asking God, “Forgive me as I have forgiven others.”
Consider Mark 11:25, “And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.”
Hi Beth,
During a recent Bible Study, one of the participants shared a similar sad story. She was quite heartbroken as she had reached out “to be forgiven and to forgive” with hopes of restoring a friendship, but in vain. A wise woman leader in our group consoled her in only a few short sentences. We could “feel the weight of guilt” being lifted up and dispersed. I will never forget what she said and I am happy to share it. My prayer is that if anyone else is being “emotionally drained” by a similar situation, that they will find the peace of Christ in these words: Our wise leader said: “There is a difference between “forgiveness” and “reconciliation.” Forgiveness involves 1 person. Reconciliation requires 2 people. Christ calls us to “forgive.” If she has truly forgiven the other person and humbly reached out to reconcile . . . then she has done everything possible she can do. The rest of the “path to reconciliation” is between the other person’s heart and God. The one “reaching out” can then “pray about it and give the situation to God.” Then she can “move on” with the peace of knowing she has done all that she can do. The bottom line, is that it requires 2 people to reconcile. God calls us to forgive. When we have been badly hurt by someone, sometimes we are able to “forgive” the person, but not ready for a reconciliation with the person . . . or going to the next step of “trusting” the person. This is especially true in situations involving sexual misconduct or physical or emotional abuse. Perhaps the offense your friend thinks was “minor,” is opened painful past experiences and is more major than what it appears on the surface. In some situations, the victim may chose “to forgive” but may never be able to “reconcile with” or trust the perpetrator again. That is understandable and may be the healthiest choice in certain toxic situations. My prayer is that your friend’s “unforgiver” has actually truly forgiven your friend (as Christ has calls her to do,) but . . . the friend may not be ready for the next steps of “reconciliation” and “trust.” We all fall short of the glory of God. I know I do. I am thankful and grateful for the Grace of God through Christ. Thank you God for the healing forgiveness found in Christ and may we willingly extend His mercy, love and forgiveness to those around us.
Wow! That was wise advice and I hope I communicated that it is our responsibility to do our part. The rest is up to the Lord and the other person. I agree wholeheartedly that sometimes forgiveness is good for the person but reconciliation may be dangerous. I thank God with you that His Word (given through wise leaders like yours) is what can give us peace and rest in our souls.
Good to hear from you, Eva!