Broken, Almost Surrendered, and Working on Holiness

 

My husband wasn’t feeling well so he made an appointment with his Chiropractor. I was feeling some pain as well and knew that if I went along he would adjust me while we were there. So, knowing the wait in this particular Dr.’s office would be long I grabbed the book that was at the top of my pile of unread books. This was a Christmas gift from my sister, Nancy Leigh De Moss’s Brokenness, Surrender, Holiness. This was not exactly an exciting title but it was on top, so I grabbed it.

We were waiting to see the doctor for about an hour and a half and I could not put the book down. Nancy DeMoss is a no-nonsense writer who takes the scriptures seriously. She has a way of relating them to real life that makes this book (and all of hers that I’ve read) very practical if what you want is to grow in faith and see yourself for who you really are.

Years ago, when the Lord first caught my attention it was in a sermon that declared that everyone – even I – was a sinner. I was astounded! In my pride I wondered how this Pastor, whose church I had been in for several years, could give this sermon with ME in his congregation. So, you see, this pride thing ran deep in me. It didn’t take the Lord long to completely convince me that I was wrong and the Bible was right! But here I am almost 20 years later and my pride still raises it’s ugly head on a regular basis!

The part of this book on Brokenness made it pretty clear. I was only a partially broken person. I was still holding onto some prideful thoughts that were keeping me from a full surrender to what God wants for me. Throughout the book I was convicted in a general sense but not really sure what areas of my life God was pointing me to. Then, Nancy DeMoss gave an illustration from her life – and it was mine, too.

I taught a Bible Study Fellowship class for eight years. When a lecture would really touch a woman she would come and tell me that “my” lecture had really hit her hard. Well, I studied the Bible and I knew that the truth was that it was God through His Holy Spirit that was convicting her and I would say so. “You know that was not me but the Holy Spirit.” “I know” they would say, “but thanks for being faithful to teach what He tells you to.”

Though I never would speak these words, on some level I was thinking, “yeah, I am faithful about that,” – as though it was me doing the work. Before God called me to that teaching position I would never have dreamed of being able to teach in that setting. God was so faithful to me in providing time, materials, and the ability to write and speak. Why was I taking any credit?

The most convicting was Nancy DeMoss’s example of keeping the notes she had received from women who had been touched by her ministry over the years and the pride she took in how many there were.

I had a file too. This was labeled “Notes of Encouragement.” I kept all the notes that women wrote to me over the years thanking me or telling me how a particular teaching had helped them. I rationalized that I was keeping them so that if I ever got discouraged I could pull them out and re-read them to remind me of times when my ministry had helped someone. Did you hear it? “My ministry?” Wasn’t this God’s ministry and I clearly understood as I was being convicted that I did not need to save old notes. God could encourage me without help from the past anytime I needed it!

Well, I decided that just like Nancy Leigh DeMoss I needed to get rid of these things so I go into my files to pull out the folder to send them to be shredded at my husband’s office. I’m pulling out the file thinking, “this thing is really getting fat!” I go to put them in the box to send them in and am impressed by how much of the box they fill up. I was still proud!! This thing was not going away!

I am still praying for God to break that bondage of pride in me. He has clearly shown me that this sin is still an issue for me.

The good news is that as I finished “Brokenness, Surrender, Holiness” I learned great Biblical Truths about surrendering this pride to the Lord of my life. I need to allow His holiness to be an example for me to follow as I work out my salvation in this world for others to see. What I want is for others to see the Lord Jesus in me and not to see me – okay, I confess the truth that I still like it too much when they see me. The difference now is that I see it and it breaks me immediately. I surrender it as I confess it, and each time it happens He becomes greater and I become less.

So, I am broken, I see my pride for what it is. I am still surrendering, every time it raises it’s ugly head and, by the grace of my Lord, I’m working on holiness as He shows me the truth of my sin!