Shooting Our Wounded

 

In the last several weeks I have heard three stories of women in a set of circumstances that they are not at fault for but for which they are taking some heat from the church (not all the same church). I do not understand why we, as Christians, shoot our own wounded.

Two of these situations are bad marriages, one physically abusive and one verbally/emotionally abusive. Because it is usually the abused person who goes to the church for help, not always but usually the woman, the church has to deal with her. For reasons that aren’t real clear often the church tends to blame the abused rather than the abuser. “Hang in there”, “Love him more”, “Don’t make waves”, “Spend more time at his side”, and, of course, “God hates divorce.”

In a normal, “He threw his wet towel on the bed” kind of complaint, these admonitions might work, but not with abuse. Don’t get me wrong, I know God hates divorce and I’ve talked to enough divorced people to understand why. They leave a trail of pain and sorrow for everyone. It is not God’s will that we would live in that kind of pain.

Listen to what the Proverbs say, “The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it,” Proverbs 27:12. And Proverbs 22:3, “The prudent mans sees danger and takes refuge.” How about Psalm 140:4, “Guard me O Lord, from the hands of the wicked; preserve me from violent men who have planned to trip up my feet?” Sometimes what seems like more love and hanging in there enables a person to continue in sin. That sin often causes emotional damage to spouses and children if it isn’t stopped.

According to Leslie Vernick who has written a book called “The Emotionally Destructive Relationship” the statistics are that 1 in 4 Christian women experience physical abuse in their marriages. That means that it’s in all of our churches. Some of the abusers might be teaching Sunday School or on our elder boards and in other positions of leadership.

A couple I heard at a Vernick seminar is truly working toward reconciliation. I asked the man what he wished his church had done for him. His answer? “I wish they had listened to my wife.”

Another situation is a young widow left with children to raise and a church who thinks she is not grieving fast enough, raising her children well, or managing her money right. She feels judged and not loved. Why? I am not close to her situation so I don’t know if they might be right to some degree on some of these issues. If there’s sin it needs to be addressed. But couldn’t we also throw our arms around her and show compassion? Couldn’t we talk about her dreams of a life with a wonderful husband who God took – in her eyes, prematurely? Couldn’t we let her be sad knowing that God has a plan for her that He will work out? Love one another is a command. Couldn’t we do it with compassion rather than instruction?

She knows that God loves her, that He will work these things together for her good, and that He is Sovereign and in control. We don’t need to tell her the basics, and you would think her Christian friends would know that. What she needs to know is that she is loved in the church.

She feels like a capable adult being treated like a lost child. She is somewhat lost in her grief. Can we show some compassion? Just for the record, some have but they are over-shadowed by those who come down too hard.

Let’s speak the truth in love but do as Paul instructs in Colossians 3:12 “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience.” When we don’t we’re shooting our own wounded.

“The tongue has the power of life and death. Proverbs 18:21.

 

Note: If you are in an abusive relationship Leslie Vernick’s book is excellent. One of the few from a Christian viewpoint that encourages the abused to better their circumstances for their own sake and the sake of their spouse who lives in sin. It is called, “The Emotionally Destructive Relationship”

According to Vernick, domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15 and 44 in the United States. 40% of girls aged 14 – 17 report knowing someone their own age who has been hit or beaten by their boyfriend. They need to hear and learn now that this is not something God wants for them or that they are expected to accept in their relationships. Let’s show them Proverbs 22:3 and teach them to take refuge before it goes too far.